Published On: Mon, Feb 25th, 2013

US Senate Still Debating What ‘Sequester’ Means

WASHINGTON D.C. (The global Edition) — The United States Senate held heated debates today in an effort to come up with a meaning for the word ‘sequester’. Majority leader. Senator Harry Reid (D, CO) thought that he had enough votes to accept his definition, “The act of threatening to destroy the economy, before and until the last moment available, and then agreeing to extend the time three months.”

“That would make it a verb! We must reduce the verbs!” Ranted Senator Ted Cruz (R, TX). “If this remains a verb, I will filibuster.”

Senator Claire McCaskill (D,MO) tried to point out to Senator Cruz that he was mistaken. “It is clearly an adjective, but not a verb. Let me use it in a sentence. ‘The Senate passed the Sequester Legislation.’”

Senator Reid appeared afraid to call for a vote fearing that Senator Cruz, with the support of other Republican Senators would follow through on the threat and filibuster the bill. Angry arguments, which are unusual in the highly respectful Senate went on all afternoon. The arguments reached an apex when Senator Cruz stood and said “I have a list of 57 Senators who are ‘grammar elitists.’”

It was at that moment that Senator Cruz may have pushed have pushed the Senate too far. He was approached by Senator John McCain (R,AZ), who said something to him privately, to which the Senator issued an apology to the Senate.

Senator McCain, often called the Senate “Maverick,” then approached Senator Reid. The two appeared to have a very congenial conversation, shook hands, with what appeared to be an agreement, and tabled the debate for 72 hours, to iron out the details.

A reliable source has confirmed that there is, in fact, an agreement. Senator Reid’s definition will be acceptable, in exchange, Taxes on those earning over $400,000,000.00 , will be reduced by 3% retroactive to 1974, The Military Budget will be increased by 10%, and Medicare and Medicaid funding will be slashed by 20 percent.

“At this time I cannot confirm or deny the details of the agreement,” Stated Senator Reid. “Both sides are satisfied. This is a lesson to all of us, what a true bi-partisan effort will accomplish.”

By TGE correspondent Jello Marx




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  1. Spanishbill says:

    Ohhh. The worst part may be that I can believe it! Funny reference to Sen. Joe, the commie-pinko hunter. I’d like to see that list of ‘grammar elitists’ and congratulate them on at least doing something right! The line, “Let me use it in a sentence.” is a good one, too.

    Whether they determine the word to be a verb or an adjective, the definition attributed to Harry Reid is undoubtedly the most accurate. I just wish someone in the ‘usually respectful Senate’ had the conjones to really say it out loud.

    The real lesson in ‘what a true bi-partisan effort will accomplish’ may be that you can’t trust any of those knuckleheads. I wouldn’t be surprised if that tax cut ‘retro-active to 1974’ actually shows up in a Senate proposal before too long! The campaign donors would love it.

    And adding that they would table the debate on the definition for 72 hours is a riot–that would enable them to really get down ‘to the last moment’. (They don’t have another vacation coming up this week do they?)

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