Published On: Sun, Jul 1st, 2012

Tom Cruise Divorcing Katie Holmes For Imaginary Alien Female

LOS ANGELES, USA (The Global Edition) – Tom Cruise, one of the most successful actors in Hollywood today, has just ended his 5-year marriage to actress Katie Holmes due to an admitted love affair with an imaginary alien female, The Global Edition is reporting exclusively.

An attorney for Ms. Holmes confirmed the news on Friday, calling it “a private matter” while subtly hinting that it was Mr. Cruise who was initiating the divorce.

Meanwhile, Mr. Cruise gave his first public statement about his decision.

”I still love Katie, she means everything to me,” he said. “She gave me a beautiful daughter, and I will never be able to truly express my gratitude for that. That said, I think I’ve really met my soul mate and I just can’t bear the thought of being away from her for even a second,” Mr. Cruise explained in a passionate statement.

Mr. Cruise said that he “hadn’t planned to cheat on Katie”, but that he’d accidentally bumped into Chakula inside his own mind while meditating, and in his words the experience was “pure magic, total love at first sight.”

“Chakula opened up a whole new world for me. She reminded me that people are immortal beings who have forgotten their true nature and that the thetan is the true identity of a person, an intrinsically good, omniscient, non-material core capable of unlimited creativity,” Mr. Cruise added.

The star of films like “Top Gun” and “Cocktail” also stated that he “has never been so happy”, and that he hopes to visit Chakula’s home planet one day, where he can meet her friends and family, just as soon as he gets some time to create them using the powers of his own mind.

This will be the third divorce for the 49-year-old Cruise, who has also been married to Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman.

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  1. You are a nutcase!!!!!

  2. noisy43 says:

    “Tom Cruise, one of the most successful actors in Hollywood today” LOL

  3. Andrea says:

    What in the actual fuck? He created this “thing” in his head, and looks forwards to meeting “Her family” as soon as he “creates them in his mind” as well? He needs some fucking medication. Tom, you need medication. You are possibly schizophrenic. I hope your wife gets custody because you are just one that flew over the cuckoo’s nest.

  4. Eric says:

    A long time ago, I swore I would not give money to any film that had this lunatic nut-case in it, and to this date, I have not regretted it.

  5. Tom Cruise says:

    Hey now. Im Tom Cruise and just because you haven’t found your imaginary soul mate, doesn’t mean you have to make fun of me!

    Last month while eating some dog feces, it occurred to me, that the woman I married as my soul mate, just wasn’t it. I mean, yes we had a wonderful child. But, since the child was not from Xanadu, I did not love her as much, hell, I probably never will.

    You know what, fuck her. She can die. But as I chewed on that nugget of turd, I realized the only person that could make me happy was the person I invented for myself.

    So, I am here today to announce my wedding plans to marry Chaka Khan…or wait…who did i invent? Oh, I am going to marry Shaqzilla in a completely Scientologist type marriage. We are going to smell each others farts and tickle each others’ buttonholes. This will be glorious. The turds we share will be made from the finest Aboriginies money can buy. I will feed them Oreos and Popcorn. It will be great.

    WIth all that said. Leave me alone. And let me jump on Oprah’s couch until my lover comes home.

    Ps-YOU are crazy!


    No longer Tom Cruise…now call me: Cruakasemenswallower

  6. Será que vai assumir sua homossexualidade?
    Lembrem-se que ele é da mesma “religião” do John Travolta.

  7. […] this is just entertainment gossip, but something this stupid/psychotic deserves it's own thread.…-alien-female/ LOS ANGELES, USA (The Global Edition) – Tom Cruise, one of the most successful actors in […]

  8. NoShame says:

    Anybody who doesn’t realize this is bullshit is a tool bag. On the other hand…I kinda wish I met his imaginary girl also. I wouldn’t mind bumping uglies with an alien. I’m going to a star trek convention in August and I’m sure I’ll get plenty of alien snatch while im there.

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