Supreme Court Declares that “Corporations are People”; Millions of American Entrepreneurs Arrested for Slavery
WASHINGTON D.C. (The Global Edition) – In a sweeping, country-wide operation code-named “Gettysburg 2.0″ led by the FBI, millions of American entrepreneurs and shareholders were arrested earlier this morning on accusations of slave ownership, sources from the Attorney General’s office say.
The unprecedented legal action was based on the 2010 Supreme Court ruling which stated that corporations are people, making ownership of one unconstitutional and any perpetrator a participant in slavery.
In a passionate yet resolute address to the public, FBI spokesperson Dirk van Dycke said that America can finally look to its past without shame. “After more than two years of extensive investigation and evidence gathering, we are now, once and for all, able to put an end to this ugly passage of our otherwise almost glorious history. Slavery ends now. The Supreme Court declared that corporations are people. I declare that from now on, corporations are free people,” Mr. van Dycke said.
In the press release issued to national media, the FBI stated that there were thousands of cases of enslaved corporations being abused by their owners. From shared ownership to dismemberment and selling the pieces on open markets, numerous violations of 150-year-old anti-slavery laws were recorded. Corporations were traded between owners and prospective buyers on specially designed markets, often with approval from slave-owning authorities on Wall Street.
“To me, corporations are less than people,” the dissolute voice of Warren Buffet, an ex-owner of several corporations, could be heard saying at the Anti-slavery Congressional Subcommittee hearing today. “Their place is on the market working for us, not in their homes being all lazy and living off social welfare,” Mr. Buffet concluded.