Straight Man In San Francisco Gets Laid, Calls 911
SAN FRANCISCO (The Global Edition) – A heterosexual man from San Francisco who works in tech got laid this morning, The Global Edition discovered thanks to sources within the SFPD.
Police say that the man called 911 immediately after the alleged intercourse was said to have occurred, and left a message. What follows is a transcript of the message, reportedly given by the man in a single breath:
“So there I was at my favorite coffee shop, thumbing through an article about DIY drone fabrication in the current iPad version of Wired, when I got a tweet on my HTC EVO 4G LTE, which I had jailbroken with a Serbian SIM card I picked up on eBay. The tweet came from someone named Albedo 0.39, which is both the title of a groundbreaking album by Vangelis and a measure of the light reflected off a planet, so it immediately sparked my interest. Even better, Albedo 0.39 turned out to be a female-American who liked my comment on an article about mobile-based revenue models on Reddit. What karma! She invited me to a group viewing party of a TEDx lecture on the Higgs Boson Particle that was taking place right then on Google+. I quickly jumped at the offer, and after making a few more notes on drone architecture using off-the-shelf smartphone components, I joined the party. That’s when I heard someone in the coffee shop applauding at the same lecture bits I was applauding, and I saw her, and she reminded me of a shorter Southeast Asian version of the Recon character in the Firefall MMORPG beta. We must have both been amped by our beverages, mine being organic shade-grown Matcha with an acai boost and Red Bull extract, since we agreed to meet out back. As is custom around here, we started comparing notes on our respective start-up plans, and it turns out we’re both interested in Xbox-based social tools that enable users to share lines of code for programming elevators, when I saw her looking down at my replica Han Solo utility belt that I had picked up at ThinkGeek. As I was pointing out that Han had, indeed, shot first, she unbuckled my belt and latched on to my, um, joystick. I started tweeting about it immediately, and when I saw that it got me 3 favorites, 14 retweets, and a +K on nookie, I realized this was something unusual. The rest is history.”
After conducting DNA tests, police have revealed that the man had not gotten laid but rather had just been mugged. As of press time, he remains safely a virgin.