Saudis Outraged Because Beheading Taking ‘Way Too Long’ - The Global Edition
Published On: Fri, Jan 11th, 2013

Saudis Outraged Because Beheading Taking ‘Way Too Long’

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia (The Global Edition) – The Saudi Arabian government has come under attack from its citizens for taking eight whole years to behead a convicted woman, local media reports. Numerous eye-witnesses accounts describe unruly mobs shouting, “Off with her head,” “Death to the United States” and “Let’s go, Mets,” following the announcement of the long-anticipated beheading of a Saudi Arabian woman.

Laila Hafiz was sentenced to death by beheading in 2005 after her Saudi employer accused her of cutting off his own head. The man’s completely uncorroborated, seemingly impossible claim was accepted by Saudi court as bulletproof evidence when he said, “An eye for an eye, a head for a head,” although Miss Hafiz claimed innocence by pointing to her accuser’s full, unharmed head from which he was speaking. Despite this witch-like trickery, it took almost eight years for the death sentence come to realization, irking many in the Saudi general public who have cried out for justice.

“The new regulations, which limit the defendant’s rights at trial, were supposed to speed up the beheading process,” said Saudi spokesman Said Habib Ishmael. “We don’t allow them witnesses, they serve as their own lawyer – though they cannot technically speak at trial – and they have the right to appeal, but we don’t really tell them how. I’m really sorry this is taking so long. I thought this thing was in the bag – and by ‘thing’ I mean this woman’s head.”

Analysts say the Saudis have taken steps to speed up the beheading process in the future. After decapitating the former minister of beheadings, the royal family ordered three brand new, automatic Behead-O-Tron 5000 machines considered state of the art in the industry.

“They better do something, because this is taking way too long” said Shahid Jamil, one of the protesters. “By the time my kids get to see it, they’ll be all grown up and then it’s just not as special. The magic’s gone, you know?”

Mr. Jamil went on to say that if the lethal display takes much longer to stage, he risks having to think about the terrible condition of civil liberties in his country.

By TGE correspondent Jello Marx

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  • Jed

    I thought this was real for half a second lol

  • youfellforit

    oviously this story is a ‘joke’ people…c’mon!

    • http://twitter.com/Thorpy4 Peter Thorp

      sorry youfellforit it is very true, even the Bible said this was going to happen just before Jesus returns.

  • hussein alawy

    word’s out that the ‘behead o-tron’ is soon going to be placed at immigration desk at riyadh. If you’ve committed a crime in the past or plan to do so in the future, it’s off with your head and they can send you ‘packing’ literally.

  • Gene Whitman

    This story is not a joke…..

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Richard-Hung/100002536908419 Richard Hung

    This is a totally hilarious joke. “Let’s Go Mets!”

  • Spanishbill

    “an eye for an eye and a head for a head” Isn’t that from Shakespeare? And I’m pretty sure, “Let’s go Mets” is in the Quran.

    • http://fishyluv.com/ FishyLuv

      No, it’s from the Quran, sūrat l-māidah (Table spread with Food). The same principle was also found in the Bible, in Exodus 21:24. Then in the New Testament, Jesus went ahead and repealed that law for Christians in Matthew 5:38, commanding them to turn the other cheek and love their enemies. I’m not aware of the Quranic command for eye for eye ever being rescinded.

  • Robert H Mercer

    If this is true and since it comes from a towel-head country it probably is, what’s new? Let’s face it the Saudis don’t just have crude oil in their wells but in their skulls as well.

  • quadibloc

    Although this article is satirical, under Sharia, courts cannot accept the testimony of a non-Muslim where it contradicts testimony from a Muslim. A similar rule applied to the testimony of black people when it contradicted that of white people in the South during segregation. So it isn’t that far from the grim reality.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ismael.baguioph Ismael Dulnuan

    fuck the muslim saudi sharia law,,,other muslims countries gives rights to witness

  • FredLaw

    A CNN link brought me here. Thanks for the laugh…