Romney Confesses: Ok, I am an Alien Transformer
SALT LAKE CITY, SIGMA ANTARES 7 (The Global Edition) – In a surprise admission to the media today, US presidential hopeful Willard Mitt Romney told reporters, in effect, that he is an alien robot. Since Romney doubled back on his earlier statement that “corporations are people” but that he himself “is not a business,” the Washington Post was able to conclude that the candidate had inadvertently disqualified himself from the running in the 2012 presidential race.
The Romney camp was quick to deny the allegations. In an angry press release issued for immediate publication, the press office stated that the Washington Post “had no business releasing any information of this kind about the candidate’s origins, alien or otherwise.” The candidate himself was unavailable for comment, although he was not thought to be aboard his spaceship at the time.
Seeking independent confirmation, Global Edition researchers spoke to Professor Marion Bains at the Center for UFO Studies (CUFOS). Dr. Bains’ attitude was circumspect. “We really cannot jump to the conclusion that Mitt Romney is an alien transformer from what he said,” Bains stated.
“All we actually can know about him is that since he is not a ‘business,’ he is not a ‘person’ – although he sure does talk funny sometimes.”
In Washington, House Rules Committee spokesperson Kathy Delaney (R-Florida), responding to the new information, noted that “none of us was aware of Mr. Romney’s secret identity. We had our misgivings about Obama when he did not want to show his birth certificate, but Romney’s confession speaks for itself.” The committee will be convening later today to determine Romney’s status in the election.
“If it is true that Mr. Romney was not born in the United States, or on Earth, he may not stand for election under Article IX, section 1, of the US constitution,” Delaney explained. “But there is not specific constitutional restriction against transformers.”
“Given the various positions, flip-flops, and reversals in Mr. Romney’s political and economic opinions, the candidate is clearly a transformer of some kind,” she intimated.
The American public, on the other hand, appears stunned by the news. “We thought we were not ready for a black president, and we got one,” according to Russell Arnold (57) in Delhi, Iowa. “Are we ready for a Mormon too? and a Martian?” Others were more relaxed at the news that the Republican Party might be fielding an alien for president. Speaking to reporters on the streets of Butte, Montana, one student noted about US politicians that “they are all from another planet.”
“But this one should be nicer to dogs,” added Mr. Arnold.