Published On: Fri, Nov 2nd, 2012

Research Shows Someone’s Going to Win US Presidential Elections

DES MOINES, (The Global Edition) — Based upon past elections and the results of recent polls conducted at the Instutute of Presidential Statistics (IPS) of Des Moines, predictions tend to show that someone will win the Presidential election.

Judging by all the collected data, everything points out to the outcome of a person winning the Presidential elections and becoming the President of the United States of America, whether that person wants it or not.

“When we add up all the answers we got through this poll, it can be concluded that there are basically no chances whatsoever of nobody becoming the President,” says Nate Silver, one of the statisticians behind the research.

The IPS has predicted correctly in the last 5 Presidential Elections that somebody won.

“In 1988, we predicted that the entire nation would stay home, rather than vote for George H. W, Bush or Michael Dukakis. It appeared as if we were right until 6:15PM on Election eve, one woman in Nebraska, voted,” added Mr. Silver.

All of the Institute’s polling data indicates that their prediction will be correct. However, their poll of Apathetic people is too close to call, as is the poll of unregistered, non voters.

Some results were eerily similar. Our poll of Fox News Viewers and our poll of people who have attempted to purchase a sense of humor on e-bay, had identical results.

It is also interesting to note that all of the candidates have equal, 50 percent chances of losing, because “either they will lose or not.”

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  • http://YourWebsite... Kyrie

    There are some fairly effective medical treatments for people like you, Jan. Where years ago, there was only shock therapy and full frontal lobotomies, now there are scores of anti-psychotic medications that would fix you up just fine.

  • http://YourWebsite... Mitt Twit

    I’m not convinced.