Republicans Agree To Residency For Undocumented Aliens As Long As They Leave And Never Come Back
WASHINGTON (The Global Edition)–In a surprise gesture, the Republican leaders of the House of Representatives agreed to be more open to the issue of permanent residency for undocumented aliens, conditioned that the applicants leave the country and promise never to return.
Representative Eric Cantor (R. VA) speaking for the Republican caucus said that “what is being proposed today, regarding Immigration, is a fair compromise.”
“We will agree that that anyone here illegally may stay as long as they leave first and not come back after that. Ever,” said Mr. Cantor.
The bill contains a freeze on new immigration. “We will only consider those immigrants who are presently in the country,” Mr. Cantor added.
“They must apply while they are here, but they must first leave the country. Of course once they leave, they can only return through legal means. Furthermore, anybody who at any time has broken our laws, by being an undocumented alien, obviously, forfeits his or her right to return to the country, once they have left,“ explained Mr. Cantor the procedure Republicans are willing to agree with.
It was also learned that in this comprehensive proposed legislation, known as, “The GOP are the Latinos best friends omnibus legislation,” is that all unborn children of undocumented aliens will automatically be allowed to complete the application for citizenship, once their undocumented parent become citizens.
The unborn children of undocumented immigrants will be allowed back into this country, but only until they are born.
“Republicans have long believed that children should not be punished for the crimes of their parents, until they are born. Once they a child is born, the ‘grandfather clause’ kicks in and they are automatically barred from returning,” stated a very satisfied Cantor.
Speaking anonymously, the Co-Sponsor of the proposed legislation, Representative Michele Bachmann, stated, “We cannot and will not compromise on the precondition that they must first leave. It’s only logical, because if they are undocumented, how do we know that it is truly them, or that they existed in the first place?”
In a press release that accompanied the Press Conference some of the other requirements were spelled out, “The passageway to citizenship should not be easy. Therefore as a prerequisite all applicants will be required to correctly answer five questions. No two applicants will have to answer the same questions, and no applicant will ever be asked the questions. They’ll just be responsible for the answers.”
When asked, Representative Bachmann would not allow the press to question her about the feasibility of these requirements, “It’s all fairly self-explanatory, so from here on, I will only discuss this legislation with you, in person, and when I’m not with you.”
Upon hearing of the proposal, Governor Bobby Jindal, (R, La), a recent critic of his fellow Republicans stated, “Although they went further in this bill than I believe that they should have, this is the first step for ‘The new Republican Party.’ I knew that I could count on my fellow Republicans, to listen to the desires of the American people.”
By TGE correspondent Jello Marx