Rand Paul Savagely Mauls Father to Assert Dominance as New Pack Leader
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Global Edition) –- Sensing that his father was weakening after years of unchallenged pack rule, Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) battled patriarch and heretofore dominant male Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas) for alpha status in the family pod. Rand emerged triumphant as the new pack leader in what was, by all accounts, an extremely savage clash between two feral combatants.
Scientists and most nature experts agree that the bloody faceoff was inevitable. Rand’s defiant behavior and brazen impudence had gone unchecked by Ron, the pod’s reigning alpha, since the previous winter.
“Many of us were wondering when Rand would reach sexual maturity and decide to challenge his father,” said zoologist Oscar Bivenchi, who has been observing and documenting the Paul pod since Ron’s ascendance to pack leader in 1997. “We postulated that Rand would finally vie for alpha dominance before the coming season, as he must assert mating privileges with the pack females before their menarche.”
Drunk on the hormonal rush that has accompanied his delayed-onset pubescence, the senator’s body coursed with testosterone after his victory. Researchers observed Rand spraying his scent in the presence of pack females, often misting whole Congressional chambers with his musk. After recently bringing down a donkey and providing his group with much-needed sustenance, Rand even engaged in a display of peacocking, parading his swollen, red buttocks to his potential mates, often referred to as Paulesses.
A string of unusually hard winters and hunting injuries had left Ron in a weakened state, physically hobbled and diminished in the minds of his pack. He had been nursing a wounded paw since a violent clash with an elephant herd. And his waning virility, having only planted his seed during seven of 12 potential mating cycles last season, allowed male members of his pod such as Rand to grow increasingly combative to Ron’s command. Rand’s brutal victory marked the end to the reign of his father, one of the Paul pod’s most ruthless leaders.
Ron Paul rose to pack leader following a gruesome three-day battle against his brother Howard, and uncle, Arthur Paul.
“Either could have taken Ron if they had faced him alone,” said Bivenchi. “But that cunning was what made Ron so dangerous in his prime. He waited for them to bleed each other while he bided his strength in the bush. Then, after they had maimed each other, he pounced.”
Those experts say Rand won his challenge, in part, by using the cold-blooded battle prowess he learned from his father. To prepare, he sharpened his teeth on rocks and tree bark to better eviscerate his opponent’s flesh. Rand even warned his father of his ambition by urinating throughout the halls of Congress, soaking large swaths of the carpeting to mark territory that was once Ron’s.
“All Rand was waiting for was an opening,” said Bivenchi. “And when the moment was right, he struck without mercy.”
With his son’s ascendance as the new pack leader, Ron will likely be banished from the pod, forcing him to slink back into the unforgiving Texas desert. He won’t last long out there. Starvation is common, though an attack from ravenous hyenas is more likely.
“It seems cruel, but it’s the circle of life,” said Bivenchi. “He had a good run. And he can always run for president again.”
By TGE correspondent David Ross