Obama Proposes Controversial Ban On Using Guns To Shoot People
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Global Edition) – Pres. Obama today unveiled his plan to combat the plague of gun violence in the United States by championing a highly controversial ban on gunning people down in cold blood.
Liberals are thrilled Obama is taking a bold stance in favor of not killing people with guns.
“The man thinks big,” said MSNBC host Touré. “Even if the ban doesn’t pass, the president is starting a national conversation about whether we should use guns to shoot people to death.”
Obama’s proposal faces stiff opposition in Congress, especially the House of Representatives, where the concept of shooting human beings has gained in popularity since the election of Tea Party representatives who believe murder is a fundamental right enshrined in the Constitution.
“Our Founding Fathers knew that someday we’d have to shoot humans to destroy the government they fought so hard to build,” said Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX). “That’s why they wrote the Second Amendment. It’s Freedom 101.”
Despite an assured mutiny from his Republican caucus, Speaker John Boehner is believed to secretly support a ban on using guns to shoot living, breathing human beings who have done nothing wrong. The question now is whether he can corral enough votes to pass the measure in the House. If he chooses to declare publicly his support for not shooting people, he’ll face an uphill battle to get any legislation passed, as Obama’s proposal is already meeting resistance from the National Rifle Association (NRA) and other gun-rights lobbying groups.
“Does Obama think he’s God or something!?” screamed a florid NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre to himself in a mirror. “Only God can tell me who to shoot and who not to shoot!”
[UPDATE: Pres. Obama’s ban on shooting people failed to gain enough votes in the Senate to break the filibuster, with Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) calling it “a radical, socialist power-grab.” To continue to push the issue, Obama is expected to announce a blue-ribbon committee to study the best ways to not shoot fellow humans just trying to live their lives.]
By TGE correspondent David Ross