Nostalgic Petraeus Playing a Lot of ‘Call of Duty’ These Days
SPRINGFIELD, NEW HAMPSHIRE, (The Global Edition) — Since a sex scandal forced him to resign his position as director of the Central Intelligence Agency, Gen. David Petraeus has reportedly been playing a lot of “Call of Duty: Black Ops 2.”
Sources say Petraeus, the former head of the world’s most powerful clandestine spy agency, purchased an Xbox 360 to “keep in touch” with friends at the CIA. He didn’t originally plan to play it much, just “when the guys were on,” according to acting CIA director Michael Morell. However, after muddling through a few dungeons in “Skyrim,” a nostalgic Petraeus popped in the new “Call of Duty: Black Ops 2” and began immersing himself in the popular first-person shooter.
“It’s so realistic,” said Petraeus, sitting on a bean bag chair in his basement surrounded by empty Mountain Dew cans and grease-stained pizza boxes. “It’s like how war really is. You gotta be tactical. You can’t just run around like some n00b.”
In his lengthy career, Petraeus was often lauded for his strategic mind and ability to strategize new combat tactics, abilities he says have served him well in Team Deathmatch online multiplayer.
“These noids aren’t even going to know what hit ‘em,” said Petraeus, while adjusting his turtle-shell, noise-canceling headphones and brushing crumbs from his shirt. “You nerds think these are maps!? I lived this, bro!”
But what began as a fun, vicarious reliving of his glory days “in the field” quickly turned into an obsession. While those close to him are happy Petraeus has found a way to fill his newfound time, some are growing concerned with how much time the four-star general and Level 45 Prestige Commando has been devoting to the video game.
“He sends me texts all day saying, ‘Let’s do this!’ or ‘Operation Duty is a go, gentlemen!’ But I keep trying to tell him, ‘Look, y’know, I’m at work, Dave,’” said Morell, who occasionally plays with Petraeus in the evenings when possible. “I’ll try to jump on with him for a little bit, but then it’ll be like 10 p.m. and I have to go to sleep so I can wake up in the morning, but he doesn’t get it. He’ll just start calling me a ‘narc’ and saying I need to ‘clean the sand out of my vagina.’”
Petraeus’ aggressive online tenor with teammates and opponents alike has already gotten him banned from Xbox Live several times. Game moderators have mostly cited him for excessive trash-talking or “humping” defeated opponents. Once, though, after winning an especially close match, Petraeus was flagged for farting at length into the microphone to “let those try-hard randoms know they got pwned.”
“Yeah, it’s only been a few days, but we’ve had a lot of complaints about G3n3ralRageCha0s,” said Microsoft employee Brent Krause, referring to Petraus’ Xbox gamertag. “We keep banning him, but he just keeps creating new accounts under new names. He’s also gone by o0GeneralMagus0o, GenrlRageT1ts, 4StarBallerXXX, DP_UrMuth3r, XboxSux420, B0n3rb0n3r69, OlMuckyTerraHAWK – which I think is from a Wu-Tang name generator – the list just keeps going. It’s like he doesn’t have much else going on right now.”
If friends and family can’t intervene beforehand, they hope Petraeus’ intense focus on “Call of Duty” abates when the new “Grand Theft Auto V” gets released, though Morell has his doubts.
“He’ll probably just run around and punch a few prostitutes, then get tired of it like everyone else,” he said.
By TGE correspondent David Ross