Published On: Sat, Jan 26th, 2013

Manti Te’o Somehow Still Candidate for Degree from Prestigious University

SOUTH BEND, Ind. (The Global Editioin) – Despite sincerely believing a fake woman he never met was a real person, Manti Te’o remains on track to graduate from a prestigious institution of higher learning, according to officials at the University of Notre Dame.

Te’o, a senior at the distinguished university that is also the alma mater of several Nobel laureates and U.S. senators, recently admitted he mistakenly fell for a hoax in which the woman he thought he was dating for months turned out to be nonexistent. An amazingly simple investigation consisting mostly of some Googling revealed that the young lady with whom Te’o thought he was talking on the phone for hours was actually a 22-year-old man who simply set up some fake social media accounts and used a feminine voice when he spoke with Te’o. Notre Dame, which charges $15,000 per year in tuition, maintains it has adequately prepared Te’o for the 21st-century workforce.

“Manti has met all of the requirements to graduate,” said Connie Lutz, an academic adviser at Notre Dame. “He’s gotten a well-rounded education and now he can go into the world knowing he’s ready to face all of its challenges.”

Notre Dame graduates have gone on to become governors, U.S. ambassadors, military generals, CEOs and astronauts, an esteemed group of alumni that Te’o is still somehow set to join despite not knowing that the person he thought was his romantic partner was basically a unicorn with a Facebook account. After repeatedly telling national media outlets that this entirely fictional, total falsehood was his living, breathing girlfriend with whom he shared an intimate relationship, Te’o remains on track to earn the degree that marks his comprehensive education at a world-renowned research university, according to John McGreevy, dean of Notre Dame’s College of Arts and Letters.

“I’ll be honored to give Manti his degree, with all of the rights, privileges and responsibilities thereof,” said the dean, who is at least theoretically in charge of ensuring students are well-educated enough to tell the difference between actual human beings and the utter fabrications of someone else’s imagination.

Te’o recently spoke to the hoax’s alleged perpetrator, who reportedly said he was only trying to help by reaching out and forging a bond. However, Te’o was shocked that someone would pull such a harmful prank, though apparently not surprised that he is about to graduate from college without the ability to discern between reality and artifice.

“I can’t believe someone would make up a story just because they thought it would make me feel better,” said Te’o, who will inexplicably graduate from the Catholic university in the summer. “Thankfully, one thing has gotten me through the troubling time of believing in the nonexistent creation of someone else’s imagination: my faith in God.”

By TGE correspondent David Ross

Share your view

Leave a comment

XHTML: You can use these html tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>