Published On: Fri, Apr 19th, 2013

Iranian Women To Ahmadinejad: “Step Down Or We Will Unleash Our Earthquake Machine”

TEHRAN (THE GLOBAL EDITION) – Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has publicly declared the capital city is in imminent danger of being wiped out by an artificial earthquake machine operated by the nation’s women.

“As I have said before, the woes of Iran, and the earthquakes that threaten us in particular, can all be blamed on immodest women,” said Ahmadinejad.

“And there is nothing more immodest than owning and using a giant earthquake machine to hold our populace hostage.”

The ground shaking device was first brought to the president’s attention by Muslim cleric and seismologist Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi.

“The evidence is clear,” said a visibly nervous Sedighi. “Women are directly responsible for any and all tremors in Iran, owing to their failure to adhere strictly to Islamic codes of dress and conduct and also to their football stadium-sized quake device hidden somewhere under Tehran.”

A video circulating on the internet filmed by the women of Tehran specifically calls for Ahmadinejad to step down and cease his campaign of female defamation.

“President Ahmadinejad and his regime must remove themselves from office, or Tehran will feel our wrath,” said an unidentifiable woman in a hijab.

The video ends with a curious line delivered in English: “When it happens, it will be your own… FAULT.”

Ahmadinejad was quick to respond in an attempt to alleviate fears that the device would be activated.

In his latest radio address, the president declared that the Iranian government would not rest until the machine was tracked down and destroyed.

“Until then do not panic, and try to carry on with your lives as usual,” added Ahmadinejad.

Sources who were present at the time of the radio announcement’s recording report that the president stood in a doorway the whole time, holding his limbs against the frame and cringing.

By TGE correspondent Bradley Vega

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  • Spanishbill

    Ah, Women! You can’t live with them, and you can’t live with them! So are they using the
    K-Tel Model 5 Giant Earthquake Machine? Because if they are in the desert they wouldn’t really get the benefit from the optional Tidal Wave attachment.

    But seriously, nothing gets people’s attention like a civilization ending earthquake every few centuries. I say, “You go gurrrlz!”

    I have long advocated for more leadership opportunities for women. The guys have had several thousand years to kind of screw things up. Let’s give the ladies a chance, They could not do any worse!?!?!

    “…do not panic, and try to carry on with your lives as usual.” That’s funny! Unfortunately their lives are usually spent in a continual panic already while they try to figure out what their paranoid leadership is going to do next!