In Concession Speech Surprise, Romney Kicks Off 2016 Campaign
BOSTON, (The Global Edition) — In a heartfelt concession speech delivered Tuesday night, Mitt Romney thanked supporters for their hard work and dedication, saying he would need their continued support if he was going to win the presidency in 2016.
“I would like to congratulate Pres. Obama on his victory tonight and pledge that, even in defeat, I will do everything I can to help get this country moving again,” said Romney, addressing a crowd gathered for his election night rally in Boston’s downtown convention center. “And I think the best way to do that is to announce my candidacy to be the next president of the United States of America! Woo hoo! 2016, here we come!”
Raucous applause and chants of “U.S.A.” erupted from the audience as Romney simultaneously ended his 2012 campaign and began his 2016 campaign. Volunteers in pork-pie hats unfurled banners that read, “Third time’s a charm,” while confetti and balloons rained from the ceiling.
“I’m assuming the 2016 presidential election will be the most important election of our lifetime,” said Romney, completely unaware of future circumstances yet certain that he is the man for them. “We’ll probably need a change from wherever we will be in four years and I promise to be the opposite of whatever that is. We won’t be able to afford four years of whomever my opponent will be and whatever positions he or she might have.”
Fervent supporters cheered Romney and booed the anonymous opponent he may or may not run against in the future, already knowing they despise the vague, hypothetical principles such an opponent could potentially hold. With an eye on the horizon, Romney promised the crowd that, following his third consecutive presidential campaign, he would restore whatever version of America each person was individually thinking of in his or her head four years from now.
“I will either change the course we are on at that time or steady it with a more even hand, depending on where we are in four years, which, no matter what, will best be suited by having me at the helm,” he said. “I’m sure I’ll be the man for the job, whatever that job is.”
Romney assured supporters that if they liked him as a presidential candidate in 2008 and 2012, they will love him in 2016.
“With my loss tonight, pundits and analysts will surely speculate on what this means for the Republican Party in 2016. Will it veer to the extreme fringe and double-down on right-wing ideology? Or will it adopt a more moderate, inclusive stance?” he wondered aloud. “Well, whatever path the Republican Party chooses, I will wholly adopt that governing philosophy as my own, at least for the primaries. Or maybe I won’t even be a Republican next time. Who knows what’ll be popular in four years?”
Romney said he has learned from his last presidential run, which officially ended mere moments ago, and is already making adjustments to his 2016 campaign. According to the twice-defeated presidential nominee and current presidential hopeful, he wants to get out on the campaign trail as soon as possible, because he feels his biggest mistake was not campaigning enough. To tell his story, Romney is already planning hundreds of events across the nation and blanketing the commercial airwaves in battleground states such as Ohio.
“I just want everyone to rest assured that you’ll be seeing a lot more of me in the coming years,” he said. “And if you don’t want to see so much of me, then you should probably make me president.”
By TGE Correspondent David Ross