Forgetful Obama Grabs Michelle Novelty Teddy Bear at Gas Station On Way Home
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Global Edition) – Pres. Obama was hoping to avert a Valentine’s Day catastrophe Thursday after forgetting to plan anything special for First Lady Michelle. Distracted by a long day at work, Obama suddenly realized the romantic holiday had completely slipped his mind, so he stopped at a gas station on the way home to pick up a makeshift gift for his wife of 20 years.
Obama frantically burst into the first Wawa he passed and grabbed a novelty teddy bear from a cardboard Valentine’s Day display at the register.
“I think she’ll like it, don’t you?” asked the leader of the free world, nervously hoping for some validation of his poor planning. “He’s holding a heart that says ‘You’re my honey,’ and his paw is stuck in a honey jar! That’s cute, right? You guys think I’m OK? Maybe I better get a card, too.”
As he selected from the aggressively shopped over greeting cards at 6:13 p.m. on the night of the holiday, Obama scrambled to piece together a hodge-podge of whatever facsimiles of real Valentine’s Day gifts he could scavenge.
“Umm, maybe some chocolate? Women like chocolate,” he said to himself, trailing off as he perused the gas station’s paltry selection, all terrible displays of affection for any significant other. “Oh, man, it looks like they don’t have the heart-shaped boxes. I’ll just grab a Reese’s for her. I think she likes those. Who doesn’t, right?”
After also purchasing a Valentine’s-themed scratch-off lottery ticket and a DVD of the 2011 Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy “Just Go with It,” Obama raced home to deluge his wife with the mountain of garbage masquerading as intimate consideration. However, when he arrived to the White House residence, the president found a cold dinner on the table surrounded by candles that had been burning so long they had melted down to their brass holders. Michelle stood in an archway, scowling.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, honey. I got you something,” he said sheepishly as he rummaged through a plastic grocery bag for the pathetic stuffed bear. “Have you been waiting long?”
Realizing he was floundering, Obama desperately started singing bars from Al Green.
“Iiiiiiiii’m, sooo in love with …” he croaked, as Michelle slammed the bedroom door in his face.
The commander-in-chief stood in the darkened kitchen, impotent to fix the damage done by his own lack of foresight.
“I’ll make it up to her. I’ll take her out to Cheesecake Factory next weekend,” he said, turning toward the bedroom door. “Does that sound good, honey? Cheesecake Factory?”
By TGE correspondent David Ross