Published On: Tue, Jun 26th, 2012

Female Taliban Suicide Bomber Hates The Idea Of Virgins In Heaven

ISLAMABAD (The Global Edition) – Khalida Akhtar, a 20-year-old Taliban suicide bomber, decided at the last minute not to blow herself up at the main train station in the capitol of Pakistan because she remembered that she would have to deal with a bunch of virgin guys in heaven, local authorities say.

Ms. Akhtar, who was dressed in a head-to-toe burqa and strapped with explosives, was seen just hours ago running and screaming through the Islamabad Railway Station before she was apprehended by local law enforcement.

“The young woman realized that she would have 72 virgins on her hands if she sacrificed her earthly life, and apparently the thought made her so sick to her stomach that she decided on the spot to pull the plug on the whole operation and give herself up to the authorities,” police officer Malik Rashid told reporters.

In a statement recorded by arresting officers, Ms. Akhtar explained her decision. “I’d actually never stopped before to think about the reward I would receive for my sacrifice,” Ms. Khalida said. “Unlike my brother and his friends, I’m actually not a fan of virgins. To be fair, I don’t think any woman in the world is. I’m supposed to give my life for a bunch of guys that don’t know anything about the female body or how to please a woman? I don’t think so!” Khalida added.

As she was taken into custody, Khalida Akhtar also reportedly told officers that she would have gladly sacrificed herself for higher causes if she could trade those 72 virgins for two experienced guys, a masseuse, a butler, and a chef.

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  • http://YourWebsite... jimifix

    rofl

  • http://YourWebsite... Andy Wong

    LOL

  • http://YourWebsite... Shumsky

    I’m supposed to give my life for a bunch of guys that don’t know anything about the female body or how to please a woman? I don’t think so!!

    hahahaaaa way to go girl 8))

  • http://YourWebsite... pilou

    trololol

  • http://YourWebsite... Q

    ROFL

  • blackbear

    finally a muslim who dares to challenge medieval beliefs that at best are the product of the imagination of a child molester.

    • a

      it’s not product of medieval beliefs,its for the muslim to believe as it is clearly mentioned in relgious text(the 72 virgin concept)

      • l a

        Not defending any religion but, it is a fact that there is no where in the Quran that mentions 70 virgins really! I suppose it is created by sick Mullla/Bullas and their followers. After all religion whether the old testament, the bible or the Quran are nothing but a collection and editions of men’s fantasy, a piles of BS left over from the founders of the patriarchal system and nothing else.

      • Hugh Allen

        I don’t care where it’s mentioned, including the Koran. It’s ludicrous and anyone who believes it and even goes so far as to blow himself up to achieve it set for a store of disappointment. What kind of religion is it that says you can get more sex than you can handle if you blow yourself up?

  • http://twitter.com/Incognito73 Incognito73

    for those of you who may not realize.. this is a satire site. like The Onion.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_R7LITL2XZQKH5SISZCSPL7457M Jethro

      Who cares as long as someone reads it. hahaha

      For real: Mohammed practiced incest.

  • Truth

    Absolutely fake….. bogus news!!!

  • Usman Rafique

    Well Noboday bothers what Israel is doing in Gaza! Guys rather pointing fingers on this lady which is being misguided by bunch of Indian agents so called religious extremists determined & funded by their agencies to destablize the region & uproot peace……..we should ask Israel what they are up to???????

    • http://www.facebook.com/norman.cross.127 Norman Cross

      Well, nobody bothers because we know people in Gaza wanted to become martyrs to the point that they shoot rockets at Israel to make it retaliate and kill them in the process.

      • Usman Rafique

        Muhammad well said!

        • http://www.facebook.com/saad.leo Muhammad Saad Zia

          Somebody deleted my comment :o .. Wow! Really!

          • history

            ALLAH deleted your comment .. Wow!

      • usman rafique

        Norman! How do you compare casuality rate in Gaza & Israel???????
        How many innocent children have died due to Gaza’s rocket attack????????

        • no name

          higher rate of casualties in Gaza than Israel does not mean that Israel is more evil. it means Israel is successful in protecting it civilians, while the terrorist in Gaza are successful in using their civilians as human shields.
          and the difference between Israel and Hamas, is Hamas targets civilians, not soldiers. Israel targets terrorists ONLY, not civilians. they sent leaflets all around Gaza to warn civilians to stay away from areas of terrorist activities, for their own safety! if the Gazans don’t listen to the warnings, well, they have no one to blame but themselves.
          side note, my 25 yr old friend was killed last week when a rocket hit her APARTMENT BUILDING- she could not make it to the bomb shelter in time…

        • hottrika

          The answer can be found in the analogy expounded by the then PM of Israel, Ms Golda Mier, who said that “we do not hate Palestinians as much for killing our children as we hate them for making us kill their children”. There is no moral symmetry between the civilized world and these Islamist seventh century savages who first launch rockets and grenades on Israeli women and children and then hide behind their own women and children. Real cowards.

  • guest

    ROTFLMAO! this brave lady has roused herself from the stupor of false teaching. good for her!

  • docmusic

    Creepy islam has harassed

    our ancestors (MayPeaceBeUponThem) and us (MayPeaceBeUponUs) enough !!

  • docmusic

    Enough with this

    islam-nonsense.

    Afganistan is a Buddhist

    country currently occupied by muslims,

    Pakistan is a Hindu country

    currently occupied by muslims,

    Saudi-arabia is a jewish

    country currently occupied by muslims,

    Bangladesh is a Hindu

    country currently occupied by muslims,

    Iran is a Zoroastrian

    country currently occupied by muslims,

    Malaysia is a hindu country

    currently occupied by muslims,

    Egypt is a Christian country

    currently occupied by muslims……..etc.etc.etc.

    Muslim-zombies will have to

    re-convert and re-connect to the real religion of their

    peaceful and harmonious

    ancestors prior to their unfortunate meeting

    with that total idiot

    moremad-the-dirty arab and his dirty gang of violent morons

    and their hate filled

    violent actions and thoughts.

    “Non-stop violent and

    dirty blood filled thoughts islam is” Yoda would say.

    Dirty dirty islam is no

    religion.

    Islam stands alone in it’s

    own v o m i t .

    “Filth islam is only ” Yoda

    would say.

    The arabs will have to become

    jews. …because

    the arabs were jews too

    who lived in the desert much

    much much before

    moremad-the-dirty-arab came

    charging with madness and

    started slapping the oldies

    and the women around.

    Fantastic ???

    Creepy islam has harrassed

    our ancestors (MayPeaceBeUponThem) and us (MayPeaceBeUponUs) enough !!

    Constant wars and terror are the fruits of Islamic over-population and
    muslim

    male boredom thanks to no contact and socially stunting policies about
    muslim

    women and socializing. They want our women because they aren’t allowed
    their

    women.

    An educated muslim is an oxymoron. If a muslim is educated and

    understands logic and all things fair and just what is he still doing in
    islam?

    The very fact that an educated man is still muslim means that education
    has

    bypassed him. A muslim is not a complete human. A muslim is a base
    animal that

    looks like us but kept at the basest level of mental development by islam.
    It

    is a real shame but this is the truth. A muslim is taught only hate
    filled rubbish

    and poisonous thinking by islam. There is no hope for muslims and if we
    don’t

    take pro-active steps to wipeout islam we will be wiped out.

    Crystal ?

    Capish ?

    CONFRONT islam first and smash it then talk about human rights.

    Pedophilia is Halal in islam. Pedophilia is sanctioned in islam. There

    is no word for child molestation and child molesters in arabic or the

    “holy?”koran…just ask any muslim.

    Creepy islam has harassed

    our ancestors (MayPeaceBeUponThem) and us (MayPeaceBeUponUs) enough !!

    • http://www.facebook.com/saad.leo Muhammad Saad Zia

      I don’t want to meddle in your religious issues and neither I want to be a comment-soldier; the fact is that everything around is in perfect harmony – somebody made it! You have to think about it and it will come to you! Islam is the most peaceful religion ever, the problem is that we muslims have changed and have started to vomit and stand at the same place, IT IS NOT ISLAM. The human rights you talk about today and every other good feature in your society was first introduced by our prophet 1400 years from now. It is our mistake that we, the muslims, left those and went back into the darkness whereas your ancestors learned and gained prosperity. Just go and have some research!

      As for (Peace Be Upon Him), do you believe in legends? Muhammad (P B U H) is above than that, He was ‘the reality’, if you study in detail, it was for him that ALLAH constructed this world! There were prophets before like Adam and Hazrat Esa (Jesus Christ) but Muhammad came at the last because he was the their lord; Allah’s favorite! Now how is this possible that I take the name of such esteemed and eternal personality and not send my respects?

      Don’t be full of hate brother, just think! Every new day has the same cycle, such beauty everywhere and only on this planet? Who controls it? The Buddhas? The idols? They can’t even move! Cows? Lions? Bears? Sun? None of them! Its Allah! The one and only! He’s the one who produced you from a single fusion of sperm and egg, took care of you when you were nothing but a piece of shapeless meat. He is the one who poured love for you in your mom. And don’t forget that a mom has only 1/70th of the portion of love what God has for his people! You and I, we are nothing but on an exam on this planet!

      This religion thing is not limited to church unlike chiristianity; this is a WAY OF LIFE! Muhammad (PBUH) was sent as a teacher and his whole life tells us how to lead our lives! You tell me that is there was any man in the history of this universe whose every day life has been recorded except Muhammad(PBUH)? It was only his and his every moment that his companions have recorded and they have been CERTIFIED through out the generations! Yes, its CERTIFIED!

      As for Peace Be Upon Him, Allah himself have cursed, in Holy Quran, the man who takes Holy Prophets name and doesn’t pays his respects!

      This is not a game, this is the utter truth! Don’t look at us muslims or pakistan or any other country, we are not even close to what Islam is. Do you own research and By the grace of God you’ll see the truth. and unlike other religions, this religion emphasizes on socializing instead of being along like priests or nuns!

      Do some research! I hope that you, I and every human being on this planet, gets to serve ALLAH like we are meant to, Like we promised him in the ‘Alam-e-arwah’. This is all truth! PLEASE RESEARCH!

      • nanader

        Yeah sure – “Islam is about peace!”. Somehow it doesn’t seem right looking at what’s going on.

        Christianity is also a way of life – just that you haven’t experienced it. If you pray to Jesus you will see how much power God really has – it will blow your mind in a good way!

        Now, you are just running a talk shop for defending the indefensible – a religion made to order of a medieval warlord named Muhammad. Talking to Allah changes nothing if you’re not talking to the living God.

        Please remember, when you really need God’s help and nothing seems to work, try praying to Jesus for a change. You’ll see the power!

        • Hugh Allen

          I’ve seen the power and it’s pitiful, if the average southern Baptists is to be believed.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_R7LITL2XZQKH5SISZCSPL7457M Jethro

      And Mohammed also did incest because he had 13 wives that he rotated. Mohammed didn’t even recognize his offspring.

  • docmusic

    What will happen to us as a species? How far will we progress before islam
    bombs our science? How long will islam last ? How many muslim-zombies will
    there be on the planet in the next 10 ten years ? Deadly…. what will happen
    when islam is everything. Only arab history will be taught and then what ? End
    of our lovely civilisation. Will islam ever be defeated? Will islam ever be
    cleansed from our planet ? What will happen to us ? Why can’t we bomb mecca to
    smithereens and let the muslim-zombies figure out that mo-boy had conned them
    from the beginning….the cool part will be mullahs swinging in the breeze on
    lamp-posts. We can live with that.

    • http://www.facebook.com/saad.leo Muhammad Saad Zia

      Lol! Bombing Mecca? Allah protects it himelf! Even birds circle around that holiest place on earth. Don’t even think about the limits you can’t achieve! You people are going in an open war against the sole creator and I really don’t know how you justify wasting this temporary 25-30 year (day) life.

      • http://twitter.com/antodechav Anto de Chav

        You need to wake up to reality …. islam is a manmade religion.. the koran is just a book.. grow up and educate your mind man.. believing in stupid fairytales,I suppose you believe the night journey actually took place…

  • faizi

    Hey Richard !! do not cross your limits… don’t talk rubbish.. respect the religion of each other. who the hell you are to say stupid to our beloved prophet Mohammad (S.A.W.S)?? mind your language.

  • Captain O

    This is satirical news, which means it is fictional. My job here is done. *fly away*

  • Shehryar

    So extremely embarrassing for me sitting in Pakistan to see what a joke my country has become.

    And yet, so very humoured reading this article.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Irfan-Khawaja/100000596420245 Irfan Khawaja

      Shehryar, use your brain…can’t you see that this is media campaign against your country full of lies and disinformation…did you see any rail station in Islamabad?? Can this lady make such non sense comments. You need to give true picture…. of course we are trapped due to our corrupt army generals on CIA payroll.

      • Randy Scot

        If you can’t see it, the check out the YouTube videos of the Islamabad Railway Station. As long as you believe your problems are caused by the CIA you will never solve your problems.

  • http://www.facebook.com/peter.e.schoffelen Peter Erik Schoffelen

    trollbait hahahahaha. but man, why would you want 72 times the awkward and uncomfortable defloration of a woman? wheres the reward in that?

  • syed haris

    any islam or quran hater here who wants an open debate can add me on facebook….lets see how much you guys use ur brain? btw this news is total crap

  • amjad

    Actually some one had sold their soul for dollars and
    working for dis-respecting the religion. the reality is this that the NATO
    regime had got a complete defeat at Afghanistan now they imposing blame on
    Pakistan for the aspect launched here black water, they produced some
    hypocrites here and using them for dis-respecting the real jihad ,mujuhedeen
    and religion and showing the peoples that are un -educated and resides in
    darkness. Yesterday the real leader of Taliban regime Gulbadeen Hikmatyar had
    given an statement in daily telegraph. about all the incidences occurring here
    from the side of Tehreek -e-Taliban Pakistan and clearly mentioned that they
    are not inter linked with them while they are working for invaders interest and
    gaining dollars. The invaders got complete defeat and now showing their peoples
    from which they taken taxes in the name of war on terror that they are doing
    right things instead that they are continuously involved in huge crimes on
    human beings at Afghanistan as done at Iraq. Millions had killed…Thousands
    had injured and destroyed their infra structure there. They have technology
    tools (both Electronic and print media) from them continuously spreading
    dis-information against the real freedom fighters and imposing blame on them
    that are terrorists. and fundamentalist. Please must thinks from this angle the
    whole situation that who can given the right to invade the other land and
    killing innocents peoples without having any true proof of their activities and
    if some things done by UBL then he had killed now why they are until kept their
    forces at here??? Who can given the right them to destroyed any country without
    any true justification as they done at Iraq on the base of false statement of
    Tony Blared and now his lies are exposed and confirmed. The true peoples always
    analyze the things and after searching to reach at a point of decision. How
    strange to see the broad mind nation and its peoples are what doing and
    why???Are they not able to stop the rulers for their evil decision and killing
    poor peoples including women’s and children? Must be remain the lesson of
    history that if any individual or nation cross the limit and not stopping their
    evil thinking and action then the Al-mighty God will remove their name from the
    history and many time from the planet. The religion of Islam is peaceful
    religion and Islam means peace but a huge number have no wisdom and correct
    knowledge about it due day and night propaganda against from the media. Request
    to all please once a life time must study the holly Quran and life of Mohammad
    (pbuh) the last messenger from the side of God.

  • dsdssfd

    this is fake…global edition…duh

  • history

    ROFL

  • StonedAngel

    she would have gladly sacrificed herself for higher causes if
    she could trade those 72 virgins for two experienced guys, a masseuse, a
    butler, and a chef.
    .

    I think most women would blow themselves up for 2 experienced guys… a masseuse.. a buttler.. and a chef.
    And.. if she was really lucky… the masseuse, butler and chef would all be experienced as well.

  • l a

    This is very funny!

    I think no woman would want to go pass the pearly gate to so called heaven knowing it will be where the gathering of all the closet homos huddling with their drag queen God! I wish a lot of these brain washed women sober up and realise that religion is nothing but man made to subjugate the opposite sex and other people of different culture and race period.

  • Rabble

    Wow. Unbelievable, how many people think this is real news instead of a satire. All these religious idiots have been taught NOT to think or question or else they wouldn’t be following any religion.

  • Khurram

    There is no Railway station in capitol of Pakistan. Author is must be a racist ignorant!