“The fact that there’s a car that’s eco-friendly, and at the same time says “look how much money I have” is a great thing for all eco-aware, small-dicked men out there. Just to think that I was deprived of a chance to show off and overcompensate until now makes me wonder where this world is going to,” said Mr. Rodney, polishing the hood of his new car-penis.

Tesla Motors company says their sports vehicles could make every environmentalist attractive, “no matter how ugly, balding, old, or just plain douchey he might be.”

“The market demographic for our cars is wealthy white men with small dicks, but only those who care about the environment. You would be surprised how large that portion of the market is,” reads a company statement.

By TGE correspondent Mike King

The sci-fi author has been to hell and back in his mind, but he finally managed to imagine the unimaginable and came up with a believable scenario about him having a girlfriend.

“This is probably the furthest my mind has ever gone into abstract before”, said Mr. Douglas. “I haven’t slept for days and I wrote a million drafts but I think I have finally cracked it.”

Mr. Douglas said he has always been able to envision having some sort of a girlfriend, but the problem was always finding a dimension, universe or planet on which that could actually pass as real.

“A good sci-fi story is about fiction, but it also need to have an element of possibility” said Mr. Douglas. “It doesn’t need to be likely necessarily, it just has to have that feeling that makes you think: “Hmmm, this might not be entirely impossible to achieve. This could happen somewhere or sometime in the near or distant future”" he added.

The 37-year-old writer tried implementing his concept into future worlds, alien cultures and post-apocalyptic times, but it never really seemed like a natural and plausible mix.

“For a while I went with a scenario where I was the last man on a planet filled with women, but even I didn’t quite believe that they would rather choose me instead of extinction” said Mr. Douglas. “I also tried writing a story about a robot programmed to be my girlfriend and obey my every command, but that technically doesn’t make her a real girlfriend” he added.

Mr. Douglas refused to reveal details about his new story but he gave us a guarantee that his new concept is “bulletproof” and that it will make everyone believe he could have a girlfriend in an “alternate realm”.

The Culture Ministry’s film screening office has notified the director of “Mutilate Her Flesh and Feast On Her Bones” the film’s content is “too graphical for children under 17 years old to see”, If the newest feature is to open in all theaters across the US, scenes showing explicit nudity will need to be cut.

One of the censors described one scene in which, mid-capitation, a young actress’s bum appears from her hospital gown as she runs away from a homicidal maniac with a chainsaw and severed heads tied to his belt. “The graphic nudity was nauseating and quite frankly a distasteful blight in an otherwise suitable family flick,” he said.

The film censor also said that in most of the ruthless kill scenes, nipples of actresses playing decapitated zombie victims can clearly be seen through their shirts, thus showing viewers that the young girls are in fact naked beneath their clothes.

US film censors have previously tested audiences at late night screenings, only to receive hate mail from angered parents afterwards, calling them “rash” and “immoral” for letting their children see “naked bottoms on screen”.

“We were really looking forward to releasing this film in its original cut to all types of audiences, but sadly, that’s not going to happen” said one of the Culture Ministry’s film screening office officials.

The controversial European movie director acknowledged the US film censor’s letter and has agreed to cut nudity scenes so US children can “enjoy seeing guts, guns, fights, murders and decapitations like every other American-produced film.”

Dylan, born Robert Zimmerman, said it began innocently in a concert at the New York Coffee House, “The Bitter End” in 1962. “The audience was so stoned that when I started to play ‘This land is My Land’ for the eighth time, I started to mumble sounds. The audience went crazy. The critics said I was the ‘future of rock and roll’ so who am I to disappoint them? I was just giving the people what they wanted. ”

Dylan, often referred to as a “poetic genius”, claims he never knew what people were talking about. How profound is ‘don’t want to be a bum, you better chew gum. The pump don’t work ‘cause the vandals stole the handles’?” I just made up simple rhymes. Any child could have done what I did.”

The Rolling Stone interview was a promotion for the star’s recent autobiography “Buy This Book and the Charade Will Continue”.

The confession has had no apparent impact on the singer’s popularity, with his new book topping Amazon’s best-seller chart this week.

“Apparently, Lincoln was wrong. You can fool all of the people, all of the time,” Dylan added.

By TGE correspondent Jello Marx

May and George have had communications problems for the last couple of years and tried working things out by getting married and making a baby, however, their newborn girl was unable to fulfil her parent’s marriage-mending expectations.

“We’re feeling quite angry, frustrated and disappointed”, said Mrs. Stevens. “The baby was meant to fix all our problems but it didn’t give us any sort of advice, nor did it show any interested in hearing about what was troubling us.”

Much to the young couple’s shock, they are now in a backwards situation where they need to actually help the baby and show it their full dedication, far from what they originally wanted or expected.

“The baby does nothing all day. It just lies on its stomach, eats and cries. Just like May” said George. ” I’m not able to put up with that and that’s why we had to eventually part ways.”

After a moment of consideration, George and May realized that making a baby was a bad idea, and instead, they should have done what all normal people wanting to preserve a disharmonious relationship do; find secret lovers and resent their life partners eternally in silence.

According to one witness, “the entire ordeal was going nicely until this little brat, named Joey or something had a fit. Literally, he had a fit – he’s in a hospital now.”

“He couldn’t just wait for the party to be over and then have a near-deadly seizure? No, that little shit had to do it in the beginning and ruin the party for everyone,” says Joan Thompson, mother of the birthday-boy. “I swear, I will never invite gluten-intolerant kids to my son’s parties again”, she adds.

As of press time, the inconsiderate child was still alive and recovering, unlike the birthday party he previously ruined.

By Mike King

Tsarnev, who is recuperating from several gunshot wounds at a Boston area hospital, faces the death penalty for his alleged crimes, which means doctors are working around the clock to save his life so it can officially be terminated at a later date.

“We are going to use the best surgeons on the planet to save this kid,” promised President Obama. “We need him alive if we’re going to put him to death!”

Prayer vigils have sprung up around the country. Well-wishers have sent cards and flowers to the grievously wounded Tsarnev, who they hope makes a speedy recovery in time for his state murder.

“God, please watch over Dzhokhar and ensure his full recovery so that we may strike him down and send his soul to your righteous judgment,” said Pastor Nathan Clary, who organized a candlelight service for the hospitalized teen to channel the simultaneous compassion and bloodlust he sensed in the community.

“Hopefully he gets well soon,” said local bartender Gordon Malloy. “I want to see that son of a bitch hang.”

By David Ross

“Three emergency responders suffered injuries after trying to repeat the name back. One nurse at the hospital was also affected and is in serious but stable condition,” reported sources from hospitals in Washington where the first reporters were affected by the “consonants D, Z and H maliciously placed right next to each other.”

“First reports were real mayhem. When we saw the last name of the perpetrator, we originally thought that it was a typo, or that someone’s cat has stepped on the keyboard. Only later we would find out that this is it and that we need to pronounce it any way we can”, says one of the injured, whose tounge is broken in three places.

“As I have said before, the woes of Iran, and the earthquakes that threaten us in particular, can all be blamed on immodest women,” said Ahmadinejad.

“And there is nothing more immodest than owning and using a giant earthquake machine to hold our populace hostage.”

The ground shaking device was first brought to the president’s attention by Muslim cleric and seismologist Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi.

“The evidence is clear,” said a visibly nervous Sedighi. “Women are directly responsible for any and all tremors in Iran, owing to their failure to adhere strictly to Islamic codes of dress and conduct and also to their football stadium-sized quake device hidden somewhere under Tehran.”

A video circulating on the internet filmed by the women of Tehran specifically calls for Ahmadinejad to step down and cease his campaign of female defamation.

“President Ahmadinejad and his regime must remove themselves from office, or Tehran will feel our wrath,” said an unidentifiable woman in a hijab.

The video ends with a curious line delivered in English: “When it happens, it will be your own… FAULT.”

Ahmadinejad was quick to respond in an attempt to alleviate fears that the device would be activated.

In his latest radio address, the president declared that the Iranian government would not rest until the machine was tracked down and destroyed.

“Until then do not panic, and try to carry on with your lives as usual,” added Ahmadinejad.

Sources who were present at the time of the radio announcement’s recording report that the president stood in a doorway the whole time, holding his limbs against the frame and cringing.

By TGE correspondent Bradley Vega

Tip by TGE correspondent Mike King