Published On: Sun, Feb 17th, 2013

Facebook To Start Charging Users For Not Posting

PALO ALTO, (The Global Edition)–The online “social networking” site, Facebook has recently announced that they will charge all customers for “not posting.”

“Those who don’t post ruin it for everyone who does post,” stated Facebook Vice President, Gary Nelson. “Facebook has been giving services away for free; it’s high time that we charged for our services.”

Although the social network giant indicated that it will not charge people who post regularly, Facebook released a menu of new charges and fees.

“It is very important to Facebook that our customers enjoy themselves, so we will not charge for posting, however, each time that a customer fails to post will cost him or her one dollar,” stated Nelson. “Our goal is to have the entire world on Facebook, posting something.”

A review of the “Facebook menu” reveals that the only practical way to avoid the Facebook charges is to post regularly.

“We will also charge anybody who wishes to cancel his or her account. It’s twenty if you wish to close your account, thirty dollars if you actually do close the account,” said Nelson.

The Facebook menu is 40 pages long, with plenty of exceptions to the rules. Although it states in the menu that Facebook will never censor its customers, there will be additional charges for certain items. The customer will be charged two dollars for posting anything that remotely requests or cajoles readers to “repost.” Nelson explained the new rule: “We all have our own accounts, I don’t need somebody to tell me that my salvation is dependent upon putting a post of a malnourished pigeon on my page.”

Facebook’s new rules are comprehensive and numerous. For example, they will charge a customer three dollars for every Cat Picture that he or she posts. However, they also will pay a customer two dollars for every week that he or she does not post a picture of his or her cat.

The National Internet Society of Accountants and Actuaries, have determined that by following the instruction, posting at least 20 hours during the day, and not violating any of the Facebook rules, a customer may actually make a profit on Facebook.

By TGE correspondent Jello Marx

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  1. Spanishbill says:

    Actually I like the rules about posting or not posting cat pictures! Will the sanctions cover reposting videos of babies dancing to ‘Gangam’ style?

    “Our goal is to have the entire world on Facebook, posting something.” You mean they aren’t now? There must be plenty of people posting 20 hours a day already.

    I think they should pay me something for every time I get an e-mail telling of notification of activity and that I’m missing out on important stories. (Especially if one happens to be a picture of a cat sharing its Friskies with a malnourished pigeon!)

    Overall I guess I would be saving money by just paying the 30 bucks to close my account.

    Thank goodness ‘global edition’ hasn’t started charging for making goofy comments like this one! I would hate to have to go back to reading the comment threads on MSNBC….

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