Published On: Fri, Jan 18th, 2013

Every Person Known To Notre Dame All-American Linebacker Manti Te’o May Or May Not Have Existed

SOUTH BEND, Ind. (The Global Edition) – Standing next to a hologram that he claimed was his father, Notre Dame All-American Linebacker Manti Te’o announced to what was either a packed house of reporters or nobody, that every person that he has ever met may or may not be real. As he struggled to hold back tears, Mr. Te’o bravely explained how he intends to dedicate himself to entering the NFL during the next season, as a packed house of imaginary people and images of those he once believed to be his family watched.

During the 2012 season, Mr. Te’o was the most decorated player in college football, and was one of three finalists for the Heisman Trophy, though Mr. Te’o eventually finished second in the voting. Shortly after the ceremony Te’o held a news conference announcing that Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Mamziel never really existed. Calls to Mr. Manziel at Texas A & M, were not returned, therefore reporters could not confirm Manziels’s actual existence.

Notre Dame Athletic Director Jack Swarbick, who could not confirm his own existence, explained the measures his team was taking to investigate the rumors surrounding Mr. Te’o. “I have hired a team of imaginary private investigators to quell the rumors that this is an elaborate hoax. Although I will not reveal the results of the investigation, I am satisfied that they are true.”

The Linebacker, who has maintained many exclusive relationships, was most recently involved with a young lady named Lennay Kekua. Kekua, who allegedly died of leukemia, may never have existed. When reached for comment, Dr. Michael Pines of California’s Imaginary Cancer Center in Sacramento, California said, “You have reached 1-800-Imahoax, If you know the extension that you want, please enter it now.” Dr. Pines has not responded to messages left on his voicemail.

“We had an elaborate imaginary wedding planned. We were going to honeymoon on the island of Atlantis,” Mr. T’eo stated as he was being led away. His last words to the public were, “I have always depended upon the kindness of strangers.”

By TGE correspondent Jello Marx

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