Ecuadorian Embassy Admits Decision to Smuggle Assange Out in Several Smaller Bags Not the “Best Idea Ever”
LONDON, QUITO (The Global Edition) — The plan to rescue WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange from the Ecuadorian embassy by smuggling him in several small sport bags was not the best idea ever, officials from the Ecuadorian embassy in London admitted to The Global Edition earlier today. Officials said that the plan was not thoroughly worked out, because “putting Assange together again is not going so well.”
“The first part of the plan was brilliant, because nobody even thought of checking the small bags used to carry out various Assange parts. Alas, sewing the pieces together again is much, much harder than the dismembering was,” said one member of the Embassy staff who wished to remain anonymous. “In the end, this was the only way to get him out, and technically, we did just that. I think Mr. Assange would have complained by now if he weren’t satisfied,” added the staff member.
The decision to take Assange apart was brought after a long brainstorming session last night, where various other ways of leaking him out of the Embassy were suggested, from “carrying him out in a large, unsuspicious human-sized bag,” over “pronouncing him president of Ecuador just for one day” to “using a human cannonball techinique to fire him to safety”. The Ecuadorian embassy officials stated that they “couldn’t get any magicians to do their disappearing acts with Mr. Assange because they were all already booked until the end of the year in various Vegas hotels.
As The Global Edition finds out, meetings with Mexican, Chinese & Cuban officials in London, in hopes that they will give them pointers on how to illegally smuggle a person to another country gave no result, forcing the embassy to use the more controversial tactics of disassembling Mr. Assange.