Desperate Mitt Romney Crashes Inauguration, Begs America Not to Marry That Man
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Global Edition) – Reeking of alcohol and desperation, a wild-eyed Mitt Romney crashed the presidential inauguration Monday to beg America not to marry that man.
Witnesses said Romney came barreling up Constitution Avenue “like a mad man,” reaching speeds up to 80 mph in his Buick LeSabre.
“He blasted through a bunch of barriers and gates. I really thought the Secret Service was going to take him out,” said Tammy Kimmel, one of several dozen attendees in the crowd Romney almost plowed over. “I’ll never forget the look in his eyes.”
The former GOP presidential candidate stumbled out of his passenger-side door, sweeping through piles of empty beer bottles and cigarette butts, and sprinted to the steps of the U.S. Capitol, where Pres. Obama’s second inauguration ceremony was being held.
“STOP! WAIT! Wait just one second!” Romney pleaded, fecklessly beating on the surrounding wrought-iron fence. “Don’t do it! Don’t marry that man!”
Romney, sobbing and broken, slumped to the ground as he continued begging for several minutes. After mumbling to himself for a bit, the multimillionaire former governor took a few swigs from a flask and seemed to rally.
“You’re making a huge mistake!” he screamed. “Just give me one more chance! I’m begging you! Forget everything. Forget about your family. Forget about what you’re ‘supposed’ to do. Just trust me. Trust me! PLEASE!”
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, those close to Romney said he had been watching the Academy Award-winning film “The Graduate” on repeat lately, filling himself with misplaced romance. One family member said Romney had been drinking whiskey for days trying to work up the nerve to beseech America for one last shot.
Eventually, members of the Secret Service were forced to escort Romney from the premises. However, several reports describe a man pacing in front of the White House late into the night muttering, “Just four years, baby, that’s all I ask.”
By TGE correspondent David Ross