CNN Urges Humanity To Create More News Stories By “Doing More Crazy Shit”
ATLANTA, USA (The Global Edition) – Facing its lowest ratings in over 20 years, international cable news network CNN released a statement today urging its viewers to “go ahead and try to create as many newsworthy events as possible” so that the dying media outlet could have “something, anything” interesting to report on.
The network also invited its few remaining viewers to “try and do as many batshit crazy things as possible” in order to create events worthy of reporting.
“It has been such an uneventful month that it’s gotten to the point where we have literally considered basing a news story around one of Kim Kardashian’s tweets,” CNN’s Board of Directors wrote in a letter addressed to viewers and read on air today by all CNN anchors prior to the actual news.
“We think back with great happiness and pride to earlier this year when all sorts of unfortunate shit was happening around the globe, and when our ratings were sky high. Nowadays, it seems as if people have just suddenly stopped behaving like lunatics, and that is extremely bad for our shareholders.
“If this uneventful period continues, we are seriously considering shutting down the network,” the Board wrote in its letter.
CNN has reportedly encouraged nations all over the world to topple any dictators that are still alive, start wars, die in fires, “or at least chew off somebody’s goddamn face, for crying out loud.”
As the Board’s letter continued, “Are you going to just sit and let your entire life go by without considering taking a gun and shooting whoever comes within your sight? Don’t be such a pussy.”
The statement concluded on a hopeful note, in which the network said they expected that a major natural disaster would probably strike again soon in some region of the world, leaving thousands dead and homeless.
“Otherwise,” the Board wrote, “we may attempt to boost our ratings by hiring Kim Kardashian as a news anchor.”