BREAKING: CAPS LOCK KEY STUCK AT GLOBAL EDITION OFFICES
RIGHT HERE (THE GLOBAL EDITION) – SOURCES CLOSE TO THIS WORKSTATION HAVE CONFIRMED THAT THE CAPS LOCK KEY ON A CERTAIN STAFF WRITER’S KEYBOARD HAS BECOME STUCK IN THE ACTIVE POSITION. “EVERYONE IS GOING TO THINK I’M CONSTANTLY SHOUTING IN THIS ARTICLE,” SAID THE WRITER, WHO WISHED TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS. “THIS IS OUT More...
Social Media to Save Catholic Church, Claims New Internet-Savvy Pope
VATICAN CITY (The Global Edition) – In an exciting transformation for the 2,000-year-old institution, Pope Francis I is giving Catholicism a fresh injection of social media savvy to attract the next generation More...
Most Persistent Person in the World Clicks Page 3 of Google Search Results
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA (The Global Edition) – Jeremy Davis, 29-year-old coffee shop employee from Burbank, Santa Clara County in California, has been declared as “the most persistent person in the world” More...
NASA Scientist Drunk with Power Just Pointing at Things and Declaring Them Planets
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL (The Global Edition)—The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) announced today, through an agency spokesperson, that one of their lead astronomers had been, for some time, More...
North Korea Hangs Satellite-Deflecting CDs Above Death Camps
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA (The Global Edition) – In the wake of the discovery of North Korea’s human rights-violating labor camps via Google Earth, Kim Jong-un’s defense ministry has undertaken a massive More...
Israel Offers Help Sending Ahmadinejad Into Space
TEL AVIV (The Global Edition) – In the spirit of international cooperation, Israel has offered to assist Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in his wish to be launched into space. “We will stretch our More...
Iran Successfully Stones Monkey To Death In Space
TEHRAN, IRAN, (The Global Edition)–Iran said Monday it has successfully stoned a monkey to death in space, describing the stoning as another step toward Tehran’s goal of a enabling capital punishment More...
Study Finds All Internet Users Born on January 1st, 1900
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – A recent analysis of unencrypted user data from the nation’s top ten most visited websites by a subsidiary of Cisco Systems has revealed the average age of internet users to be 112 More...
Bill To Replace CIA With Facebook Graph Search Met With Criticism In US Congress
LANGLEY, VIRGINIA (The Global Edition)-– In hours of heated debate yesterday on Capitol Hill, lawmakers scrutinized a proposed bill sent down by Oregon Democrat Senator Ron Wyden to close down the much maligned More...
Hugh Hefner Harvesting Eggs Of Playboy Playmates In Hopes Of Creating The Perfect Wife
LOS ANGELES, Ca. (The Global Edition)–Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, who just last week married his third wife, Crystal Harris, 26, announced that he has for the past 20 years been harvesting eggs of Playboy More...