Copenhagen Zoo Kills Four Healthy Staff Members To Make Space for New Employees

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COPENHAGEN (The Global Edition) – The Copenhagen Zoo has killed several of its staff members early this morning in order to create four new job openings, the Zoo public relations sector reported. Officials of the Zoo say that the four members of the staff were humanely executed after being put to sleep with a lethal injection, and then skinned More...

by The Global Edition | Published 3 years ago
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By The Global Edition On Friday, March 8th, 2013
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Catholicism Shares Hit All-Time Low After CEO Steps Down

VATICAN, (The Global Edition)– Shares of Catholic Faith (CATH) hit their lowest level in more than 700 years on Monday, continuing a decline hastened by the company’s CEO Pope Benedict XVI’s unexpected More...

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By The Global Edition On Monday, March 4th, 2013
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Self-Employed Man’s Boss A Total Asshole

NEW JERSEY (The Global Edition) – Raakesh Mehta (39), self-employed store clerk, told the representatives from the New Jersey news source today that his boss is “a total asshole” and that he doesn’t More...

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By The Global Edition On Monday, February 25th, 2013
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While All Other Actors Were Busy With Oscars, Nicolas Cage Lands 15 Mediocre Roles

LOS ANGELES (The Global Edition) – While all the other actors in Hollywood were being entertained at the 85th annual Academy Motion Picture Arts and Sciences award show, Nicholas Cage managed to sign a contract More...

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By The Global Edition On Sunday, February 17th, 2013
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Facebook To Start Charging Users For Not Posting

PALO ALTO, (The Global Edition)–The online “social networking” site, Facebook has recently announced that they will charge all customers for “not posting.” “Those who don’t post ruin it for More...

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By The Global Edition On Saturday, February 2nd, 2013
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Zimbabwe bets entire national budget on Fulham vs. Manchester United

HARARE, Zimbabwe (The Global Edition) – In a desperate attempt to save the federal government from economic collapse , Zimbabwe’s Ministry of Finance has decided to gamble all of the nation’s $217 on Fulham More...

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By The Global Edition On Friday, January 25th, 2013
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Local Crack Dealer So Far The Only Person In US To “Seize The Moment”

NEW YORK (The Global Edition) – President Barack Obama’s inaugural speech, in which he repeatedly implored the American people to “seize the moment” in order to make progress in their own lives and in More...

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By The Global Edition On Tuesday, January 22nd, 2013
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‘Blockbuster’ Bankruptcy Gives Hope To Small DVD Rental Shop Next Door

MANCHESTER (The Global Edition) – News of the probable closure of another Blockbuster store, one of a shrinking number led by the large multinational DVD rental corporation, has apparently made some people More...

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By The Global Edition On Saturday, January 19th, 2013
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Record Store Chain Goes Bust As Consumers ‘Get Over’ Music

LONDON, ENGLAND (The Global Edition)–British Retail Chain HMV went into receivership yesterday as sales figures dropped again for a 195th consecutive quarter. Since the founding of its first store in 1921, More...

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By The Global Edition On Wednesday, January 16th, 2013
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Apple Banking on New Justin Timberlake iTunes Single to Save Stock Price

CUPERTINO, Calif. (The Global Edition) – Despite share prices continuing a drastic fall, Apple CEO Tim Cook said there’s reason to be optimistic about the future. According to Cook, the tech giant is banking More...