Canada Beefing Up Border Patrol In Event Romney Wins Presidential Election
CANADA, (The Global Edition) — Governor Romney’s surprising victory in first Presidential debate between President Obama and the Governor has had a surprising effect on the United State’s neighbors to the north, North American media reports. The border police gave out a warning about “a flood of American liberals seen sneaking across the border into Canada“, which sparked calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
Media outlets report that the possibility of a Romney Presidency has prompted the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to “hold down a job, hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O’Reilly.”
Canadian border farmers noted that dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossed their fields last night. “I went out to milk the cows yesterday, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Nesterenko, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. “He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I gave him some fresh warm goat milk he tossed his cookies and left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Nesterenko erected higher fences today, failing to stop the liberals who dug under them. Mr. Nesterenko also tried installing speakers that blast Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through but many were crying as they ran through the corn fields.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. “A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of bottled water and wearing sandals. They did have a nice little ‘Napa Valley cabernet’, though,” he added.
It has been reported that the few liberals who got caught were sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about that if there is a Republican Majority, they will establish re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and actually work for a living. According to well-informed sources, “liberals need so much job training that it is cheaper to just put them in a motel and provide room service.”
Reports have been made that many liberals have come up with ingenious ways of crossing the border, faced with uncertain future in the US. The Global Edition finds out certain members of said political orientation have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Red Skelaton and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,” an official said.
Canadian citizens have reportedly complained that these illegal immigrants are “creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies”.
”I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “but, how many lawyers, art-history and English majors does one country need?“ she added.
The Global Edition contributor Jello Marx