49ers Super Bowl Defeat Sparks Organic Riots In San Francisco
SAN FRANCISCO (The Global Edition) – Several San Francisco neighborhoods, including the Mission, Lower Haight and Haight-Ashbury districts, were shaken by spontaneous organic “eco-conscious” and renewable resource riots earlier this morning, apparently prompted by the unexpected 49ers defeat to the Baltimore Ravens in Sunday night’s 47th Super Bowl.
According to early reports obtained by The Global Edition, the riots started during the first half of the game on the campus of Hult University when one fan, upset after the second Ravens’ touchdown, and drunk on hemp beer from a Mendocino microbrewery, insulted Baltimore quarterback Joe Flacco before a large group of fellow 49ers fans by shouting, “I bet Flacco drinks water from BPA-containing plastic water bottles! I bet Flacco uses Axe body spray!”
Various witnesses reported that after just a few seconds of silence, the crowd erupted into chants of “Flacco doesn’t compost! Flacco doesn’t even recycle!” which first spread across the Hult campus and eventually onto the streets of San Francisco.
Several hours after the game had ended, the situation on the streets remained unstable. The green rioting was most violent in the city’s Mission District, where several hundred fans confronted a squadron of mounted police.
“The police have decided not to react just yet, but if the riots escalate, we will be forced to use tear gas, which it has been proven does not contribute to ozone depletion,” said SFPD commissioner Steven Marshal.
Meanwhile, Commissioner Marshal elaborated on the scene in the Mission. “They are throwing whatever they can at us. They just grab whatever’s in their hands and throw it at our guys: eco-friendly canvas bags, thrift store vinyl and VHS cassettes, second generation iPads, rechargeable vibrators.” The commissioner added that the rioting had mellowed at times, usually when participants approached the police to gather and dispose of non-biodegradable objects which had been thrown during the protest.
The rioters were unanimous in their declaration that the 49ers had played a lousy game and that the protest itself was the only way to show them that the town would not tolerate such a poor performance.
“We have been staging this riot since early morning. We are running the entire 109 yards through Golden Gate Park, almost like Bay to Breakers except today I’m not happy and I’m not wearing an adult diaper or a Ronald Reagan mask. We will be carrying our totemistic newspapers with our city’s most disgraceful moment of loss plastered all across their front pages. We then plan on symbolically disposing of them properly in paper recycling bins,” said one of the protest’s leaders, street artist and UC Berkeley Comparative Literature major Kevin Harrison. “If the 49ers’ players, even after what we did here this morning, somehow don’t get how dead we feel inside due to their abysmal effort in the Super Bowl, then I hope we manage to get our point across at tonight’s eco sexuality event, where we will attempt to describe our devastated spirits through the mediums of modern ballet and erotic sock puppetry,” Mr. Harrison said.